Tate Marks

The last few weeks I have been noticing all the marks that Tate has left behind for us. Some people will never know about the marks that Tate left behind, but I am one of the lucky ones who gets to see them everyday.

The first mark is the mole on my right cheek just below my eye. Before I was pregnant with Tate you could see it, but most of the time my make up would cover it right up. The longer I was pregnant with Tate the darker my mole got. By the time Tate was born I was really worried about my mole and went to the dermatologist to make sure it was okay. The dermatologist told me that sometimes the pigment in your skin will change when you are pregnant and it will never go back to the way it was. At the time I considered having it removed, but now almost 5 months after losing Tate I am proud of my very own “Tate mark”. I see it everyday in the mirror and it is a reminder to me that Tate left a mark on me inside and out.

Tate also made sure to leave his mark in every room in the house, under the couches, in the car, in all of my purses, in toy bins, in baskets and many other places with his vanilla binki’s. We find at least one every week and it always makes us smile. Finding a new one hidden in an unsuspecting place is like finding treasure that he left behind for us. Sometimes I like to think of him throwing his binki’s around the house knowing that someday after he was gone his family would be so happy to find them. Sure, sometimes it makes me cry…but I still cherish every binki find.

Another mark I see everyday is a small scar on my left knee. This scar is from when I fell in our entry way the night we lost Tate. Somehow in all my rushing and panic I stepped in water and went sliding on the floor. I didn’t even realize it at the time, but it left a little scar to remind me of that awful night. This is one mark that I try to not think about when I see it, because the memory of that night is not one of the ones I like to focus on. But, it is still there and it will always be a part of me.

Today Travis ended up in ?the Jordan Valley Emergency Room with a kidney stone. I really did not want to go into that ER again, but you go where your insurance says is best. As they took us back to the exam room we had to walk right past Exam Room 4, where we held our boy for the last time, and into Exam Room 5 . I tried to keep my feelings in check and not think about it and for the most part I did really well. But, there were a few moments when they crept out and some tears snuck out. I sat in the chair next to Trav’s hospital bed and could look out the door into Exam Room 4. It brought back some really hard emotions, but it also made me think about the mark that Tate has made on our family forever.

Our little family was changed the day that Tate entered the world and when he left he left us with big marks on our hearts. We are stronger because we have a little guiding star to help us through everything in this life. Today was hard, if someone had told me I could sit in the room next to Exam Room 4 and not have to be admitted to the hospital for a mental breakdown I would have told them that they were absolutely crazy. But, today we did that and we got through it and I know it’s because of the marks that Tate left on us. Travis and I have learned that we can do very hard things and there is no doubt in my mind that Tate is helping us especially during the hard things.

I hate taking family pictures lately because I feel like our family has a big whole in it. I’m going to try to remember that even though there is a whole, there are also “Tate marks”. The marks that no one else can see, but we know they are there because we feel them everyday. And they make us stronger and make us want to be better. I miss him so much that sometimes I can’t breathe. How grateful I am for the many Tate marks in my life.

I love the words to the song that our friend Jesse Crowley wrote: “You are my voice when I can’t talk. You’ll be my legs when I can’t walk. You are the reason I’ll go far. You are my Guiding Star.”

Lexi and Hunter started school this week, kindergarten and first grade. It is so hard having them gone during the day because I miss them. But, then the end of their school days come and I get so excited to see them. The first day I picked Lexi up the first thing she said to me was, “I…I was thinking about you!”. I was thinking about her too! It made me wonder how exciting and wonderful it is going to be to see Tate again someday. Yesterday Hunter asked me, “Mommy, is Jesus coming today?” I told him probably not. He said, “I wish he was coming today.” I asked him why and he said, “Because that would mean Tate was coming too.” I told him I wished he was coming today too! I can’t even imagine what our reunion with Tate will feel like someday and I will do anything to make sure our little family gets there! Thank goodness we have our Savior and our Guiding Star, Tate, to help us because I know I would never make it there on my own.